i am the barn door that swings in the night

as the horse has bolted

as his hair stands up

as his frame is on fire

i am the writer

and i write you off

the wind catches our hopes

picks them up up into the air

where they can be free

your hopes are free

when will we see it??

when will our tired and torn dreams

catch that lonely flame

when will we all burn

when will our nights catch fire?

as i see the frightened and the stupid

i think of myself as superior

but i am the leader

who's too frightened and stupid to lead

i am the meek who wont come forward

i am the santa claus burning on the cross

i am my own flame

but i burn with no poison

i whimper

i rage

and i forget

clarity

To all extensive purposes i now see myself

i see you afraid, i see you laughing


then theres me

and yes i drown

maybe for good one day?

and yes you run away

the exact url to this

also links to an "the end of the world is nigh" style religous nutter site now. How are they able to use my url? money, right?

They want war in the middle east to bring about the second coming of the sky faerie.

edit (or at least it used to before i changed it)

i am now the-curtain-hits-the-cast.blogspot

i was, and the armageddon lovers still are- burning-kingdom.blogspot.com

hello cunts

Unfortunately i dont see the giddyness of random shite that imbibes you all

i only see the glory of my madness

and the pain of my sadness

i am outside of you
no knocking allowed
i cant pass through
but wander around

i am wondering why
like sound or light
or water
i cant seep into you

i cant flit

hello.

Tonight , as always, i am very lonely. If you're reading this at any point in the future then please comment. If only to say "hello"

tired heart

tired eyes
tired bones

if i could really talk to anyone i'd say
"hi"
"what about my tired heart?"
"yours is one of many" they'd say.

I don't know my local heroin dealer.
i'd say "hello. Where's oblivion?"
"right here" i'd hope they'd reply.

i dont know my local loner
i'd say "why are you so old?"
they'd say "go away"

i do know my local scene magazine editor.
"why did you ignore me in the street? " i'd ask.
"because i'm a fucking cuntbubble birthed from my mothers quim"

i'd hope for a response.

i am a ball of cement swaying slowly on a precipice. a precipice adjoined on all sides my sheer drops of one inch.

and if i wake up to late i dont leave the house.

i wake up late alot.

warm night

i am eclisped by this aspiration to be free
to be joyous
to live a purely mythical
time
with bunting and available wenches
or firm friends

some of the people have at least some good things some of the time
even if they are contsrained by reality and not perfect

i am constrained by aspergers syndrome and all that it entails.

the water drips over my clock
my on rushing blood shot eyes
make me crave a new oblivion

my old ghosts come out of my minds eye
and live a little next to my feverish body

if there are ants on my lawn
there must be tunnels

the big joke

she holds a power over me and she doesnt even know it.

the power to end my loneliness

or at least my aloneness.

no birds are a tweeting

in the ovens of my mind.

i am putting all my hopes on a silly teenage girl

obsessed by her own sexual power over me.

i am frustrated by my desperate powerlessness

my complete failure to attain self-love and contentment

this is a difficult road

by the side there are rocks and stones

they are cast in a shadow by my sun

and covered in darkness when the moon passes over its face

uncertainty

finally my day arrived
and i was the same
i hated myself
"does that irritate you?"
"to be honest yes"

now i'm wondering when my new day is
last week i thought alot about suicide
this week my dreams came true
but mostly i'm still dreading the fear and uncertainty

what if this is all there is?
what if these feelings dont change even when you have love?
what if love still aludes me and that finally breaks my back?

no one could be so innocent, yet so dispirited.

me

if i was beautiful people would love me and i'd occasionally radiate joy
or at least beauty

but i'm ugly so i radiate awkwardness, hate and anger
people never come near
and those that do eventually tire
of all the ugliness, awkwardness, hate, desperation,
inertia and anger.

i wake up at 3 am and crawl around my sheets
at 7 i open the curtains
and look at the sky

there's a robin and he moves real quick
there's the grass and it thaws so slow
theres the water that touches my lips
and then theres me

my bones
my heart
my liver
my inertia

dont come near

again with the sadness

my browser timed out and i lost the friendly response i sent to the rejection email on the dating site.

jamie stewart eat your heart out,

love jamie b

remembering them

not abating
but there
somehow each moment gets lost until all you're left with is regret

he died swinging by his neck from a branch in the woods
she lay at my feet playing with her golden hair and one breast
he held me in his arms as i cried after our fight
and so did he

he waited at the urinal hoping i'd notice and go over
he played with his penis in front of me
she showed me hers and i mine

we made rude jokes as we stood at the top of the stairs talking
she was afraid of my gaze as her boyfriend talked
i saw my friends graffiti in the middle of the night and smiled
i imagined the homeless woman was her

i waited in the hiding place till the lesson was over
she moved her foot against my bum
we hugged but i was so young and afraid
she grabbed my cock in her driveway
as our friends did the same

i looked at the photo and smiled as i saw a little girl hugging a little jamieboy

i wanted to kiss michela but i was afraid

first one for this time

tonight i'm angry
not like the before
with the caresses and one time tender hearted
with his stories of war and severed limbs
i step out into the night sky and he's lifting her
her tired heels and sore shoes
i wander past the pissers, fuckers and shouters
see the water
even the lines are empty
but back to her caresses
and the evocations of a bare time
no swinging from branches
just falling like leaves
angry stares
empty houses
no more will i dream tonight