the big joke

she holds a power over me and she doesnt even know it.

the power to end my loneliness

or at least my aloneness.

no birds are a tweeting

in the ovens of my mind.

i am putting all my hopes on a silly teenage girl

obsessed by her own sexual power over me.

i am frustrated by my desperate powerlessness

my complete failure to attain self-love and contentment

this is a difficult road

by the side there are rocks and stones

they are cast in a shadow by my sun

and covered in darkness when the moon passes over its face

uncertainty

finally my day arrived
and i was the same
i hated myself
"does that irritate you?"
"to be honest yes"

now i'm wondering when my new day is
last week i thought alot about suicide
this week my dreams came true
but mostly i'm still dreading the fear and uncertainty

what if this is all there is?
what if these feelings dont change even when you have love?
what if love still aludes me and that finally breaks my back?

no one could be so innocent, yet so dispirited.

me

if i was beautiful people would love me and i'd occasionally radiate joy
or at least beauty

but i'm ugly so i radiate awkwardness, hate and anger
people never come near
and those that do eventually tire
of all the ugliness, awkwardness, hate, desperation,
inertia and anger.

i wake up at 3 am and crawl around my sheets
at 7 i open the curtains
and look at the sky

there's a robin and he moves real quick
there's the grass and it thaws so slow
theres the water that touches my lips
and then theres me

my bones
my heart
my liver
my inertia

dont come near

again with the sadness

my browser timed out and i lost the friendly response i sent to the rejection email on the dating site.

jamie stewart eat your heart out,

love jamie b